I hope that everyone is having a wonderful holiday. I apologize for not writing on here for awhile. Time can certainly fly. I was shocked to see I hadn't written since November!!!!!! It doesn't seem that long. But the holidays always do fly.
I go through a bit of a conflicted feeling every Christmas. Part of me enjoys them and part of me dreads them and is glad when they are over. I tend to feel vaguely depressed and let down. I think part of that is that society puts so much emphasis on Christmas as the be all, end all of happiness, we can't help but be let down a bit. But also, it is a family time and everybody is talking about getting together with family and I don't do that anymore.
My parents have passed away, and I don't get together with my siblings anymore, so that old Christmas "family" tradition has kind of passed away, although I don't really miss that either. But I think I can't help but feel a bit melancholy and let down at Christmas. Christmas was always such a happy time for me as a kid, so I guess I miss that - buying and getting presents (I used to start buying presents in July so that I could get everybody a gift on my allowance), the tree (I couldn't wait to put it up each year), the music (I'd sneak a Christmas album on in August when nobody was home). All the joys of a childhood Christmas. My parents weren't rich, and we didn't get the presents kids seem to get today, but we got wonderful presents always and Christmas was always fun.
I have really fond memories of getting up on Christmas morning and eating candy out of a sock we'd leave on the back of a couch for Santa. Setting the table with "A Merry Mancini Christmas" or the Morman Tabernacle Choir singing christmas carols on our old stereo while my MOm fixed dinner, smelling the yummy aroma. Then there was the time the family went over to my grandparents (I was probably about 7) on CHristmas morning, but I stayed home with mom while she cooked and our cat, Shannon, came tearing through the house (as cats do) and knocked over the Christmas tree. My Mom was ready to kill him, you can imagine!
Happy Holidays to all. Remember, no matter who you are or where you are now, you are special and a gift to to the world.
Jennifer :-)
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Protecting your Inner Dreams
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Over the years, especially the last few years, I have learned to be much more private with people I know – family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I do not like to tell them much about myself or my private life or what I am doing (e.g., marketing my first book). Now, I used to be very open and basically a big “blabber mouth”. If people asked me a private question, I would answer them, even if I thought it was none of their business. I really didn’t know how to set boundaries and simply not answer a question or answer it vaguely, because I felt “guilty” for some reason.
I also tended to tell people things about myself even when they didn’t ask. We all like to talk about ourselves to some extent. I am no exception! For example, when I started a new business project, I would excitedly tell people and get all their negative feedback. And no matter how positive I felt, it still affected me. It planted the SEED OF DOUBT. And I do feel that really hindered me in those projects. In fact, I failed at most of those projects, because I had this nagging doubt in myself or the project from then on.
So I learned to hold things to myself. The reason for this is, I have found that people are very judgemental. They have their own views, agendas, etc. They tend to want to impose those on you. What you are doing may be something they don’t like or makes them uncomfortable. What you are doing may move you away from them, and then they feel uncomfortable because they don’t’ have the courage to make a change themselves that they would like to do but are too afraid to. What you are doing may be different then what they (e.g. parents or siblings) dreamed of you doing.
As I have said before, though, YOU are the ONLY ONE who has to live your life. They do not. YOU DO. So you have to do what is right for you.
However, when you’re at a fragile state (mainly when you are doing something out of the ordinary or something you want to do but are fearful of doing since it is new or “not the norm”), you need to protect yourself. Until you build up your confidence in yourself and/or what you are doing, you really need to protect yourself. You have the right to do that. You have the right to avoid negative people or not tell them what you are doing.
If you are transgendered, this is applicable to your transition. Your transition will probably include finding yourself. Figuring out who you are and what you want to actually do. Transitioning will feel threatening to some people. It will make some people you know uncomfortable. Now, once you really know who you are and you feel good about yourself and know where you want to go, you can handle some of that. It may hurt a bit, and you may want to avoid those negative people, but it won’t shake your faith in yourself or what you are doing.
So until you get to that “assured” state, it’s ok to keep things to yourself.
Of course, we need people to talk to. Find a good therapist to talk to. Or an open support group that is supportive and does not impose their own agendas on you. Or if you have a very supportive, open friend you think you can trust, do that. Just limit who you are talking to when you are at your initial, “fragile” state.
Whoever you are and whatever you want to do is just fine. You are just fine. You were made unique for a reason and you are very special. Give yourself the time to realize that before you start to open up to people you know.
It’s ok to “hold things in” and get strong.
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Monday, October 22, 2007
How People Address You
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
In life, we have to many times teach people how to train us. If someone is abusing us or not treating us right, we may have to take a stand and tell them, treat me this way. As a transgendered woman, this takes on an added layer, as you will find that many people do not really understand who you are, and don't know how to treat you or address you.
They may call you "him" or "sir" and not realize even they are insulting you. They might be doing it on purpose to insult you, of course, but sometimes they aren't. They might think of you as a man in a dress. That may be ok for you, or that may not. IF it is not, you might have to say, I am a woman, not a man. Please treat me as such. Or if they call your Sir, say, "it's Maam", calmly, but firmly and then continue the conversation or move on.
This has been something I have struggled with quite a bit. People seem to like to make digs sometimes. I was working a few weeks ago, and this one coworker who doesn't seem to like me too much, kept calling me "he" very loudly, almost as if to make a point. Now there were a bunch of people around, so I just kind of turned red and blew it off. To me, I felt like I'd be calling more attention to it if I said something. But I felt hurt and kind of insulted. Looking back, I think I should have just taken a stand and firmly said, "it is she, thank you very much" and stood firm. That is a case of teaching someone I have to deal with on a daily basis (almost) how to treat me. The next time he does that I will. And also, I have found that he is being more nice to me now. Sometimes it just takes some time for people to get to know you as a person. They've never met a transsexual, and are perhaps a bit uncomfortable or unknowledgable at first, and you can do your own little "bit of good" by just being yourself and showing them another side of a transgendered person.
As a waitress, I deal with a lot of people. Most people call me maam and she, etc. But I do have a night sometimes where people seem to like to call me "Sir". And I think, do I LOOK like a Sir. I have even asked, and people have said, no, not at all. But this goes back to not worrying about passability to the point of extreme. It is extremely difficult to live completely in stealth as there are always people who can tell, no matter how passable you are or how much surgery you have had. Look at all the tgirls that have lived in stealth over the years, and then somebody finds out (see http://www.secondtype.com/stealth.htm to read some of these stories). However, for the most part, nobody knows, which, to me, is living in stealth. You just don't want to feel bad if somebody does know or find out. Be proud of who you are.
Back to my original story. I have decided that as I am dealing with massive numbers of people as a server, maybe I can do a little "soft" education, by just politely saying "it is maam" and then continuing taking their order. That isn't rude to tell people that. If you mispronounce somebody's name, they certainly correct you. This is along the same lines.
However, if someone were to call me "sir" in a busy checkout lane, I might not bother correcting them as I will never see them again, and making an issue of it would just call attention to me in a busy checkout line.
Now, I am very rarely called "Sir" or "he" anymore, but it does happen sometimes. It is something that can bother me still, but I am learning to strike a happy balance between not letting it bother me, and also taking a stand to tell people how to address me. I think it is something we all as transgendered people have to deal with. As a crossdresser, you may not mind being called he, or even prefer it. Each person is different. Whatever you want to be called is just fine. Just let people know that is all. You have that right!!!!!
I hope this helps!!!!!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
In life, we have to many times teach people how to train us. If someone is abusing us or not treating us right, we may have to take a stand and tell them, treat me this way. As a transgendered woman, this takes on an added layer, as you will find that many people do not really understand who you are, and don't know how to treat you or address you.
They may call you "him" or "sir" and not realize even they are insulting you. They might be doing it on purpose to insult you, of course, but sometimes they aren't. They might think of you as a man in a dress. That may be ok for you, or that may not. IF it is not, you might have to say, I am a woman, not a man. Please treat me as such. Or if they call your Sir, say, "it's Maam", calmly, but firmly and then continue the conversation or move on.
This has been something I have struggled with quite a bit. People seem to like to make digs sometimes. I was working a few weeks ago, and this one coworker who doesn't seem to like me too much, kept calling me "he" very loudly, almost as if to make a point. Now there were a bunch of people around, so I just kind of turned red and blew it off. To me, I felt like I'd be calling more attention to it if I said something. But I felt hurt and kind of insulted. Looking back, I think I should have just taken a stand and firmly said, "it is she, thank you very much" and stood firm. That is a case of teaching someone I have to deal with on a daily basis (almost) how to treat me. The next time he does that I will. And also, I have found that he is being more nice to me now. Sometimes it just takes some time for people to get to know you as a person. They've never met a transsexual, and are perhaps a bit uncomfortable or unknowledgable at first, and you can do your own little "bit of good" by just being yourself and showing them another side of a transgendered person.
As a waitress, I deal with a lot of people. Most people call me maam and she, etc. But I do have a night sometimes where people seem to like to call me "Sir". And I think, do I LOOK like a Sir. I have even asked, and people have said, no, not at all. But this goes back to not worrying about passability to the point of extreme. It is extremely difficult to live completely in stealth as there are always people who can tell, no matter how passable you are or how much surgery you have had. Look at all the tgirls that have lived in stealth over the years, and then somebody finds out (see http://www.secondtype.com/stealth.htm to read some of these stories). However, for the most part, nobody knows, which, to me, is living in stealth. You just don't want to feel bad if somebody does know or find out. Be proud of who you are.
Back to my original story. I have decided that as I am dealing with massive numbers of people as a server, maybe I can do a little "soft" education, by just politely saying "it is maam" and then continuing taking their order. That isn't rude to tell people that. If you mispronounce somebody's name, they certainly correct you. This is along the same lines.
However, if someone were to call me "sir" in a busy checkout lane, I might not bother correcting them as I will never see them again, and making an issue of it would just call attention to me in a busy checkout line.
Now, I am very rarely called "Sir" or "he" anymore, but it does happen sometimes. It is something that can bother me still, but I am learning to strike a happy balance between not letting it bother me, and also taking a stand to tell people how to address me. I think it is something we all as transgendered people have to deal with. As a crossdresser, you may not mind being called he, or even prefer it. Each person is different. Whatever you want to be called is just fine. Just let people know that is all. You have that right!!!!!
I hope this helps!!!!!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Suicide Help
Today I received an email from a friend telling me of a suicide of one of the woman in the support group she belongs too. It made me feel very sad. I know that there are many transgendered people that do have suicidal feelings at times. It is hard to be so different. To feel so uncomfortable in your own skin. To feel scared of losing your family and friends. Of being made fun of. Of sinning perhaps. Etc. The worst thing is, most transgendered people suffer alone. There is nobody to talk to. Many of us live with this for years. Nobody knows what is happening inside of us. It can be a lonely life for sure.
I want to maybe share some insights that might help you if you are feeling this way.
First off, just remember, you did not pick feeling the way you feel. Whether that is a man who likes to crossdress, a gay feminine male, or a full-fledged transsexual female who feels trapped in a man’s body and wants to transition. Or whatever else you may feel or be. You just “are”. Ok? You didn’t DO anything. You are not a “bad” person for just “being”.
Second, we cannot control everybody’s reactions. If people have a problem with you, you know what. It really isn’t your issue. It is theirs. I don’t mean that in a mean or unsympathetic way. It is just that if they react badly to you, it is really about their own priorities or wishes for you or issues in general that they have. But they do not have to actually LIVE your life. YOU DO. And you have the right to do that. In fact, you should.
Also just remember that people’s initial reactions are not always their ultimate reactions. People rejected me at first, and then came around to be very supportive. They just needed to understand me better. So just keep that in mind.
Also if people are mean to you or reject you, well then they are not very empowering people to you. You do not need them in your life then. You deserve to have accepting, loving people. These people have the right to their reactions, but you have the right to love yourself enough to remove yourself from their presence and find supportive people.
Third, we really are all made so unique and special. T he sad thing is, the world doesn’t get to see or experience the real “us” so many times because we suppress things. Think if Mozart hadn’t expressed his musical talent because his parents wanted him to be a farmer. What a loss to the world! What Think if Abraham Lincoln had become a banker instead of pursuing politics because that was easier. What if Oprah had decided that it was easier to be poor than break free and become one of the most influential women in America? How would the world be different?
The thing is, so many of us (ts or not), repress our true selves and desires. And I think that is a loss to the world. You are somebody VERY special, just because you are who you are. Don’t deny the world that! You just being yourself might give somebody else courage to be themselves. You might open up some minds just by being you.
You deserve to live your life. You are not doing this to hurt anybody. If people reject you, there will be multiple others who will support you, for everyone who rejects you. Believe that and it is true.
Just remember, there is always somebody to talk to. If you are feeling suicidal, CALL SOMEBODY. Please! You deserve to live. You are so special. Call a suicide hotline. Call your therapist if you have one. Call a sympathetic friend. Call a TG support group. “Laura’s Playground” is a web site with a chat room and support for TG suicidal people, along with many TG resources. Go to http://lauras-playground.com/ to learn more and get support that way if you need it.
If nothing else, just wait a day. Things can seem so bad, and if you wait a day or a month or a year, the problem can change and seem totally resolved or “not so bad”. Give yourself that time delay. Things can get better.
Perhaps you haven’t started doing anything yet (dressing, transitioning, exploring your sexual feelings, whatever it may be). Or perhaps you have. Just love yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. Allow yourself to explore it. If you just take a baby step, and then another, you will probably find it is not so scary after all, and in fact you may start to feel braver and more empowered!
I would also like to say, that a transition (whatever that is for you) can be a very FUN and ENJOYABLE process. It is not all heartache, unless you think it has to be that way. You get to be you. You get to do things you've always wanted to. Don't forget that! Focus on the positives, the fun stuff, the end goal, self acceptance, loving yourself, and finding great supportive friends (there are thousands and thousands out there!). Think of the FUN and the JOY of being you more than you do the troubles and the troubles will melt away or seem not so bad anymore. TRUST ME, this works!
Remember, you are a SPECIAL PERSON. You are a special gift to the world as you are. Don’t take that away from the world! YOU ARE GREAT!
Your TS sister,
Jennifer
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
For help in finding yourself and learning how you can feel better about yourself and be the woman you want to be in a positive, healthy and happy way, buy "The Transgender Companion", available at http://www.tgcompanion.com/
I want to maybe share some insights that might help you if you are feeling this way.
First off, just remember, you did not pick feeling the way you feel. Whether that is a man who likes to crossdress, a gay feminine male, or a full-fledged transsexual female who feels trapped in a man’s body and wants to transition. Or whatever else you may feel or be. You just “are”. Ok? You didn’t DO anything. You are not a “bad” person for just “being”.
Second, we cannot control everybody’s reactions. If people have a problem with you, you know what. It really isn’t your issue. It is theirs. I don’t mean that in a mean or unsympathetic way. It is just that if they react badly to you, it is really about their own priorities or wishes for you or issues in general that they have. But they do not have to actually LIVE your life. YOU DO. And you have the right to do that. In fact, you should.
Also just remember that people’s initial reactions are not always their ultimate reactions. People rejected me at first, and then came around to be very supportive. They just needed to understand me better. So just keep that in mind.
Also if people are mean to you or reject you, well then they are not very empowering people to you. You do not need them in your life then. You deserve to have accepting, loving people. These people have the right to their reactions, but you have the right to love yourself enough to remove yourself from their presence and find supportive people.
Third, we really are all made so unique and special. T he sad thing is, the world doesn’t get to see or experience the real “us” so many times because we suppress things. Think if Mozart hadn’t expressed his musical talent because his parents wanted him to be a farmer. What a loss to the world! What Think if Abraham Lincoln had become a banker instead of pursuing politics because that was easier. What if Oprah had decided that it was easier to be poor than break free and become one of the most influential women in America? How would the world be different?
The thing is, so many of us (ts or not), repress our true selves and desires. And I think that is a loss to the world. You are somebody VERY special, just because you are who you are. Don’t deny the world that! You just being yourself might give somebody else courage to be themselves. You might open up some minds just by being you.
You deserve to live your life. You are not doing this to hurt anybody. If people reject you, there will be multiple others who will support you, for everyone who rejects you. Believe that and it is true.
Just remember, there is always somebody to talk to. If you are feeling suicidal, CALL SOMEBODY. Please! You deserve to live. You are so special. Call a suicide hotline. Call your therapist if you have one. Call a sympathetic friend. Call a TG support group. “Laura’s Playground” is a web site with a chat room and support for TG suicidal people, along with many TG resources. Go to http://lauras-playground.com/ to learn more and get support that way if you need it.
If nothing else, just wait a day. Things can seem so bad, and if you wait a day or a month or a year, the problem can change and seem totally resolved or “not so bad”. Give yourself that time delay. Things can get better.
Perhaps you haven’t started doing anything yet (dressing, transitioning, exploring your sexual feelings, whatever it may be). Or perhaps you have. Just love yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. Allow yourself to explore it. If you just take a baby step, and then another, you will probably find it is not so scary after all, and in fact you may start to feel braver and more empowered!
I would also like to say, that a transition (whatever that is for you) can be a very FUN and ENJOYABLE process. It is not all heartache, unless you think it has to be that way. You get to be you. You get to do things you've always wanted to. Don't forget that! Focus on the positives, the fun stuff, the end goal, self acceptance, loving yourself, and finding great supportive friends (there are thousands and thousands out there!). Think of the FUN and the JOY of being you more than you do the troubles and the troubles will melt away or seem not so bad anymore. TRUST ME, this works!
Remember, you are a SPECIAL PERSON. You are a special gift to the world as you are. Don’t take that away from the world! YOU ARE GREAT!
Your TS sister,
Jennifer
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)
For help in finding yourself and learning how you can feel better about yourself and be the woman you want to be in a positive, healthy and happy way, buy "The Transgender Companion", available at http://www.tgcompanion.com/
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Everybody Has Their Insecurities
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I got to thinking this morning that it we all tend to look at other people, especially people who are better looking or more successful or in a better relationship or whatever it is we want and they seem to have, and think they have it all together and we're inferior somehow.
However, I think we forget or perhaps do not realize that everybody, including those people, have their own insecurities and challenges.
I was a late bloomer. Consequently, I still think of myself as the ugly duckling many times. People compliment me and I still discount it in my head sometimes. I realize I look nice now, but I still have my days when I look in the mirror and I think "BLECH! I look so awful!". We all have our days we're down on ourselves - me included.
We all tend to be harder on ourselves and our looks than other people are. Just realize that. Nobody is micro-analyzing that small pimple on your face or that hair out of place like you are. In fact, most people aren't even noticing it! So just remind yourself o fthat if you ever find yourself being hard on yourself for your looks or comparing yourself to other people in that department.
Also realize that it is a lot of pressure to be perfect looking all the time. Those people must have to be constantly obsessed about maintaining their looks, and while we all like to look nice, there is more to life than that. Sometimes, it's nice to be average and not have that pressure. I bet a lot of perfect looking people are rather insecure about their looks and put a lot of pressure on themselves. No wonder there are people addicted to plastic surgery.
Just realize, we're not our looks. Everybody has their strengths and their qualities they're not as happy about. You're just perfect as you are. It all evens out. Successful people might not have the relationship they want. People in the right relationship might not like their career. People with great hair might not like their body. Etc. Do you see what I'm saying? Everybody is insecure about some things.
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
I got to thinking this morning that it we all tend to look at other people, especially people who are better looking or more successful or in a better relationship or whatever it is we want and they seem to have, and think they have it all together and we're inferior somehow.
However, I think we forget or perhaps do not realize that everybody, including those people, have their own insecurities and challenges.
I was a late bloomer. Consequently, I still think of myself as the ugly duckling many times. People compliment me and I still discount it in my head sometimes. I realize I look nice now, but I still have my days when I look in the mirror and I think "BLECH! I look so awful!". We all have our days we're down on ourselves - me included.
We all tend to be harder on ourselves and our looks than other people are. Just realize that. Nobody is micro-analyzing that small pimple on your face or that hair out of place like you are. In fact, most people aren't even noticing it! So just remind yourself o fthat if you ever find yourself being hard on yourself for your looks or comparing yourself to other people in that department.
Also realize that it is a lot of pressure to be perfect looking all the time. Those people must have to be constantly obsessed about maintaining their looks, and while we all like to look nice, there is more to life than that. Sometimes, it's nice to be average and not have that pressure. I bet a lot of perfect looking people are rather insecure about their looks and put a lot of pressure on themselves. No wonder there are people addicted to plastic surgery.
Just realize, we're not our looks. Everybody has their strengths and their qualities they're not as happy about. You're just perfect as you are. It all evens out. Successful people might not have the relationship they want. People in the right relationship might not like their career. People with great hair might not like their body. Etc. Do you see what I'm saying? Everybody is insecure about some things.
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Sexuality Labels
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Today I'd like to just touch a bit on sexuality and transgenderism.
Sexuality labels can be a confusing area for a lot of people, including tg women, admirers, and people outside the TG community. I want to be a woman. Does this make me gay? Or for male admirers. They may consider themselves gay or straight or bi or be very confused as to what their attraction means, sexuality wise.
First off, it is important to realize that gender identity is different from sexual orientation. This can get confusing I realize. Some cd's are very feminine gay men, but they have no desire to BECOME a woman. They enjoy dressing up and the sexual aspect, and that is just fine. These one would still classify as gay. (For the record, NO offense is meant by any terms here at all. Everybody is just fine. I am not trying to mislabel anybody. IN fact, I am trying to get across that labels are pretty tough to define as people have different meanings for lables, depending on their understand and experience.)
Then there are TS women who are transitioning or are already living as a woman. They may be attracted to men and consider themselves straight (since they identify as female). Or they may be attracted to women and/or TS woman and consider themselves "gay" (or a lesbian).
However, people looking in from the outside who do not understand what a transsexual is (and many don't, which is understandable), may still consider a ts gay as they consider her a "man". Then if they find out she is attracted to women, they may really get confused. They'll wonder, why is she transitioning? Is she gay or straight? Do you see how confusing this label thing can get?
This is a key point actually. One transitions in order to be one's true gender self, not to get dates or for sexual reasons. One's gender identity is separate from one's sexual orientation.
Then there is the question of people who are attracted to transsexuals. For example, a man may have always considered himself straight and then finds he is attracted to transgendered women - very much so. Does this make him gay, bi or straight? I say, maybe all. It all depends on your point of view. But I think the key for him is how does he view the TG woman he is with. Does he view her as a woman and treat her as such all the time? Then I would consider him straight. Does he consider her a combination of the "best of both worlds" and is perhaps mainly attracted to women, but also to very feminine men? I would consider him "bi". Does he consider a TG woman a very feminine gay male? Then I would consider him "gay". I think the key is what is going on in his head and how does he view the TG, as I said - as a woman, best of both worlds woman, or a man. Outside people may view him as "gay". Or straight. Once again, I think it gets down to how they view a TG (at least the specific person involved) - as a woman or a man (albeit a feminine one).
When it gets down to it, the label doesn't matter so much. You like what you like. It's not something you can really pick. Don't worry about the label. However you consider yourself (i.e. straight, bi or gay) is just fine. You have found the gender that attracts you (i.e. TS) so just enjoy that. You have the right to pursue that.
The same advice goes for all the TG women. Don't worry too much about your sexuality label. However you consider yourself is fine. And just remember that your gender identity is separate from your sexuality label, although they can go together or seem similar at times.
AS a little extra tip in regards to dating, don't worry TOO Much about what sexual orientation a man (or woman, if that is the case) calls him (or herself )who wants to date you. Instead, look at how he treats you. If he is treating you and viewing you as you want (e.g. as a woman at all times) , then that is all you want.
I hope this helps! Have a great day everybody!
Jennifer :-)
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Today I'd like to just touch a bit on sexuality and transgenderism.
Sexuality labels can be a confusing area for a lot of people, including tg women, admirers, and people outside the TG community. I want to be a woman. Does this make me gay? Or for male admirers. They may consider themselves gay or straight or bi or be very confused as to what their attraction means, sexuality wise.
First off, it is important to realize that gender identity is different from sexual orientation. This can get confusing I realize. Some cd's are very feminine gay men, but they have no desire to BECOME a woman. They enjoy dressing up and the sexual aspect, and that is just fine. These one would still classify as gay. (For the record, NO offense is meant by any terms here at all. Everybody is just fine. I am not trying to mislabel anybody. IN fact, I am trying to get across that labels are pretty tough to define as people have different meanings for lables, depending on their understand and experience.)
Then there are TS women who are transitioning or are already living as a woman. They may be attracted to men and consider themselves straight (since they identify as female). Or they may be attracted to women and/or TS woman and consider themselves "gay" (or a lesbian).
However, people looking in from the outside who do not understand what a transsexual is (and many don't, which is understandable), may still consider a ts gay as they consider her a "man". Then if they find out she is attracted to women, they may really get confused. They'll wonder, why is she transitioning? Is she gay or straight? Do you see how confusing this label thing can get?
This is a key point actually. One transitions in order to be one's true gender self, not to get dates or for sexual reasons. One's gender identity is separate from one's sexual orientation.
Then there is the question of people who are attracted to transsexuals. For example, a man may have always considered himself straight and then finds he is attracted to transgendered women - very much so. Does this make him gay, bi or straight? I say, maybe all. It all depends on your point of view. But I think the key for him is how does he view the TG woman he is with. Does he view her as a woman and treat her as such all the time? Then I would consider him straight. Does he consider her a combination of the "best of both worlds" and is perhaps mainly attracted to women, but also to very feminine men? I would consider him "bi". Does he consider a TG woman a very feminine gay male? Then I would consider him "gay". I think the key is what is going on in his head and how does he view the TG, as I said - as a woman, best of both worlds woman, or a man. Outside people may view him as "gay". Or straight. Once again, I think it gets down to how they view a TG (at least the specific person involved) - as a woman or a man (albeit a feminine one).
When it gets down to it, the label doesn't matter so much. You like what you like. It's not something you can really pick. Don't worry about the label. However you consider yourself (i.e. straight, bi or gay) is just fine. You have found the gender that attracts you (i.e. TS) so just enjoy that. You have the right to pursue that.
The same advice goes for all the TG women. Don't worry too much about your sexuality label. However you consider yourself is fine. And just remember that your gender identity is separate from your sexuality label, although they can go together or seem similar at times.
AS a little extra tip in regards to dating, don't worry TOO Much about what sexual orientation a man (or woman, if that is the case) calls him (or herself )who wants to date you. Instead, look at how he treats you. If he is treating you and viewing you as you want (e.g. as a woman at all times) , then that is all you want.
I hope this helps! Have a great day everybody!
Jennifer :-)
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Don't let the "Meanies" Get to You
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I’m learning a lot about people with this part time serving job. In a restaurant, you meet ALL kinds of people. The bulk are nice. But you do get some people that are rather cranky or snobby or just seem to want to throw around their weight sometimes.
We all encounter these negative people in life. Perhaps a bit more frequently when we’re dealing with the public all the time, but I think I’ve come to learn that usually when people are being cranky with you, it’s nothing to do with you. They probably had a bad day at the office or there are marital problems at home, or money problems or who knows what.
Sometimes it is a defense mechanism too. Who knows what their childhood was like, what kind of criticism they got, or social training. We all kind of get formed the way we are. Yes we can change that and be a nice person by choice, but people do the best that they can with the resources they have.
SO the next time somebody is a jerk to you – maybe about your transgenderism – just remind yourself that that is all about their own internal issues or problems, and it’s not you. Try to not take it personally. Just thumb your nose internally at them, and say silently, “It’s not me. They are just having a bad day or have their own issues.”
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
I’m learning a lot about people with this part time serving job. In a restaurant, you meet ALL kinds of people. The bulk are nice. But you do get some people that are rather cranky or snobby or just seem to want to throw around their weight sometimes.
We all encounter these negative people in life. Perhaps a bit more frequently when we’re dealing with the public all the time, but I think I’ve come to learn that usually when people are being cranky with you, it’s nothing to do with you. They probably had a bad day at the office or there are marital problems at home, or money problems or who knows what.
Sometimes it is a defense mechanism too. Who knows what their childhood was like, what kind of criticism they got, or social training. We all kind of get formed the way we are. Yes we can change that and be a nice person by choice, but people do the best that they can with the resources they have.
SO the next time somebody is a jerk to you – maybe about your transgenderism – just remind yourself that that is all about their own internal issues or problems, and it’s not you. Try to not take it personally. Just thumb your nose internally at them, and say silently, “It’s not me. They are just having a bad day or have their own issues.”
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Don't be too Hard on Yourself!
The Transgender Companion, A Practical, Step by Step Guide and Companion for your Transition, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I have a little bit of a weakness for being overly critical of myself, as I have said in the past. If I make a mistake, I think, "I am so stupid. I don't know what I'm doing". I even say worse. Ugh. But I'm not that way with other people.
I think a lot of people are very self critical. It's a result of our parenting, religious upbringing, schooling. As a child, our parents correct us a lot. That is partly their job, but over time I think it teaches us that we shoudlnt' make mistakes. That we should do things perfectly (and I know I've said it many times, but it is worth repeating - who defines what "perfect" is anyway?). In schooling, we get graded on perfection. Perhaps ridiculed if we do something wrong in front of the class. The church oftentimes teaches this idealized perfection and teaches usa lot of self judgement. It's all really very psychologically damaging when you think about it! No wonder we all are so hard on ourselves!
I think too we're kind of conditioned to feel it's noble or "good" to be hard on ourselves. It can be a defense mechanism at times too, to protect us from others criticizing us (if we criticize ourselves first).
Well, I think we all need to learn to be a bit easier on ourselves. We're not meant to be perfect. However we are is just perfect. We learn through mistakes. Mistakes are kind of a fallacy. They are just steps in life. Maybe we don't get the results we wanted, but that's ok.
I think the key is to notice the "wrong result" and make an adjustment, but not judge yourself or beat up on yourself. Kind of like if you're driving and you run a bit on the shoulder, you just adjust the steering wheel and get back on the road. You don't yell at yourself and tell yourself what a big dummy you are! You just adjust what you're doing and dont' think a thing of it.
It's also important to remember there are always many "right" ways to do things. Not just "one perfect way".
As you're going through your transition, you might feel tempted to beat yourself up at times for not looking as good as you'd like or not telling somebody in the "best way" or messing up a relationship (which you didn't do I'm sure - it just means it wasn't meant to be), etc. Be easy on yourself. You're just fine as you are, whatever you are doing.
Everybody does the best that they can do at that time in their lives.
You're doing just fine!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
I have a little bit of a weakness for being overly critical of myself, as I have said in the past. If I make a mistake, I think, "I am so stupid. I don't know what I'm doing". I even say worse. Ugh. But I'm not that way with other people.
I think a lot of people are very self critical. It's a result of our parenting, religious upbringing, schooling. As a child, our parents correct us a lot. That is partly their job, but over time I think it teaches us that we shoudlnt' make mistakes. That we should do things perfectly (and I know I've said it many times, but it is worth repeating - who defines what "perfect" is anyway?). In schooling, we get graded on perfection. Perhaps ridiculed if we do something wrong in front of the class. The church oftentimes teaches this idealized perfection and teaches usa lot of self judgement. It's all really very psychologically damaging when you think about it! No wonder we all are so hard on ourselves!
I think too we're kind of conditioned to feel it's noble or "good" to be hard on ourselves. It can be a defense mechanism at times too, to protect us from others criticizing us (if we criticize ourselves first).
Well, I think we all need to learn to be a bit easier on ourselves. We're not meant to be perfect. However we are is just perfect. We learn through mistakes. Mistakes are kind of a fallacy. They are just steps in life. Maybe we don't get the results we wanted, but that's ok.
I think the key is to notice the "wrong result" and make an adjustment, but not judge yourself or beat up on yourself. Kind of like if you're driving and you run a bit on the shoulder, you just adjust the steering wheel and get back on the road. You don't yell at yourself and tell yourself what a big dummy you are! You just adjust what you're doing and dont' think a thing of it.
It's also important to remember there are always many "right" ways to do things. Not just "one perfect way".
As you're going through your transition, you might feel tempted to beat yourself up at times for not looking as good as you'd like or not telling somebody in the "best way" or messing up a relationship (which you didn't do I'm sure - it just means it wasn't meant to be), etc. Be easy on yourself. You're just fine as you are, whatever you are doing.
Everybody does the best that they can do at that time in their lives.
You're doing just fine!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
A Couple Vocabulary Word Change Tips
The Transgender Companion, A Practical, Step by Step Guide and Companion for your Transition, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Today I'd like to talk a bit about a couple subtle changes you can make in the words you use to make yourself sound more feminine.
There are certain subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) differences in the words men and women choose when talking, but I'd just like to mention a few worlds that men use that can make you sound less than feminine.
Now I realize that women use these words too, but sometimes we as transgendered women are held up to higher scrutiny, and it's good to use every tool available to us to appear as feminine as possible.
One word I'd try to not use when dressed as a female or once you are living as a female is "dude". Like "dude, you don't know what you're talking about". It kind of makes you sound like a surfer dude (instead of a dudette!).
Another group of words I'd try to not use are any kind of crude or swear words. It just makes you sound less ladylike. I do NOT mean that in a snooty way, and I can use swear words too, believe me. But in public, I try to watch it.
Try to use softer sounding words in general. Instead of saying, "my gut hurts", say "my tummy hurts". Instead of saying "that really pisses me off", say "that upsets me". You get the point.
Now, don't worry about being perfect. Remember, who defines "perfect". Everybody has their own definition. Don't worry about being perfect or analyze everything you say. Be yourself. Just when you think of it, try to feminize your words a bit, make them appear softer, maybe less crude (if you find yourself using a crude phrase).
I also realize women don't always sound feminine either. Unfortunately, genetic women can get away with a little more. This is just another way of making yourself as feminine sounding as possible. That is all.
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Today I'd like to talk a bit about a couple subtle changes you can make in the words you use to make yourself sound more feminine.
There are certain subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) differences in the words men and women choose when talking, but I'd just like to mention a few worlds that men use that can make you sound less than feminine.
Now I realize that women use these words too, but sometimes we as transgendered women are held up to higher scrutiny, and it's good to use every tool available to us to appear as feminine as possible.
One word I'd try to not use when dressed as a female or once you are living as a female is "dude". Like "dude, you don't know what you're talking about". It kind of makes you sound like a surfer dude (instead of a dudette!).
Another group of words I'd try to not use are any kind of crude or swear words. It just makes you sound less ladylike. I do NOT mean that in a snooty way, and I can use swear words too, believe me. But in public, I try to watch it.
Try to use softer sounding words in general. Instead of saying, "my gut hurts", say "my tummy hurts". Instead of saying "that really pisses me off", say "that upsets me". You get the point.
Now, don't worry about being perfect. Remember, who defines "perfect". Everybody has their own definition. Don't worry about being perfect or analyze everything you say. Be yourself. Just when you think of it, try to feminize your words a bit, make them appear softer, maybe less crude (if you find yourself using a crude phrase).
I also realize women don't always sound feminine either. Unfortunately, genetic women can get away with a little more. This is just another way of making yourself as feminine sounding as possible. That is all.
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
The Joys of an Early Morning Walk
The Transgender Companion, A Practical, Step by Step Guide and Companion for your Transition, http://www.tgcompanion.com
It realllllllllllllllly cooled off here in Chicago today. I like to start my day by taking my dog for a walk. AFter three months of being able to go out in just shorts and a sleeveless top, I was not happy about the low 50 degree temperature this morning. I don't know how it happens, but what seems like a wonderful blast of warmth in March or April seems like a frigid blast in September. Every year I get all wimpy about cold over the summer and swear I will move someplace warmer.
The funny thing is, when I got out of college, I moved to Augusta, Georgia and lived there 7 years and missed the cold, so I moved back up North. What WAS I thinking. I guess it's that "the grass is always greener" syndrome we all suffer from at times.
I do enjoy the winter though for a couple months. Mainly around December. It's very cozy to sit inside when it's dark out and watch the snow fall down. It's so beautiful. Especially when you live in a townhome, like I do, and do not have to get out and shovel it! BOY, do I love that! It's one of the benefits of townhome living - no shovelling. Not to mention having my car in the garage. I love not having to scrape my windows.
Back to my walking story, though, I love the early morning hours for some reason. After 20 years of getting up at 5am (usually), I just can't really sleep past 6 or 6:30. Drives me crazy sometimes. However, I really love to walk at that time of the day. Especially in the summer. It makes you really appreciate nature. I live near a big part with some small wetlands there, so there are all kinds of trees and wildflowers and ponds. I really enjoy looking at everything.
I also find walking really helps me clear my head and think things through. Sometimes things can come so clearly to me as I walk. It is a GREAT de-stresser too. When I worked my Oracle computer job, I used to come home stressed, and I would walk my dog when I got home (even when I didn't feel like it), and it would just really de-stress me and kind of help me transition from work to home mode.
It has also kept me in really good shape over the years. That has always been my main form of excercize, and I have been able to keep a basically slender figure. I think I owe a lot of that to my walking (considering how much I love chocolate).
So if you'd like a way to nurture yourself a bit and do something healthy for your body - take a little walk every day. Get out and get some fresh air, or go to a gym with a walking track. Go out at lunch and walk if you dont' have time at home. Even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes. You can always build up more. I walk about 40-45 minutes a day, but it you can't do that, that's all right. Just do what you can! Nobody is judging you or watching to see how much you walk. Just do something. Treat yourself to that time.
Like I said, walking is also a great de-stresser, helps you have nice legs and stay in shape, and is a great time to think!
Enjoy!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
It realllllllllllllllly cooled off here in Chicago today. I like to start my day by taking my dog for a walk. AFter three months of being able to go out in just shorts and a sleeveless top, I was not happy about the low 50 degree temperature this morning. I don't know how it happens, but what seems like a wonderful blast of warmth in March or April seems like a frigid blast in September. Every year I get all wimpy about cold over the summer and swear I will move someplace warmer.
The funny thing is, when I got out of college, I moved to Augusta, Georgia and lived there 7 years and missed the cold, so I moved back up North. What WAS I thinking. I guess it's that "the grass is always greener" syndrome we all suffer from at times.
I do enjoy the winter though for a couple months. Mainly around December. It's very cozy to sit inside when it's dark out and watch the snow fall down. It's so beautiful. Especially when you live in a townhome, like I do, and do not have to get out and shovel it! BOY, do I love that! It's one of the benefits of townhome living - no shovelling. Not to mention having my car in the garage. I love not having to scrape my windows.
Back to my walking story, though, I love the early morning hours for some reason. After 20 years of getting up at 5am (usually), I just can't really sleep past 6 or 6:30. Drives me crazy sometimes. However, I really love to walk at that time of the day. Especially in the summer. It makes you really appreciate nature. I live near a big part with some small wetlands there, so there are all kinds of trees and wildflowers and ponds. I really enjoy looking at everything.
I also find walking really helps me clear my head and think things through. Sometimes things can come so clearly to me as I walk. It is a GREAT de-stresser too. When I worked my Oracle computer job, I used to come home stressed, and I would walk my dog when I got home (even when I didn't feel like it), and it would just really de-stress me and kind of help me transition from work to home mode.
It has also kept me in really good shape over the years. That has always been my main form of excercize, and I have been able to keep a basically slender figure. I think I owe a lot of that to my walking (considering how much I love chocolate).
So if you'd like a way to nurture yourself a bit and do something healthy for your body - take a little walk every day. Get out and get some fresh air, or go to a gym with a walking track. Go out at lunch and walk if you dont' have time at home. Even if it's just 5 or 10 minutes. You can always build up more. I walk about 40-45 minutes a day, but it you can't do that, that's all right. Just do what you can! Nobody is judging you or watching to see how much you walk. Just do something. Treat yourself to that time.
Like I said, walking is also a great de-stresser, helps you have nice legs and stay in shape, and is a great time to think!
Enjoy!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Don't be Defined by your "Transgenderism" (or Any Other one Thing)
The Transgender Companion, A Practical, Step by Step Guide and Companion for your Transition, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I was working my part time job serving in a restaurant tonight, and it brought something up I've learned in life that has helped me, and hopefully can help you too.
As I said, I am serving (waitressing) in a restaurant to get some extra money right now. I have never had a serving job, so it has been a real learning experience, and fun too - for the most part.
Sometimes, though, you get people who don't tip much. Tonight was a slow night (Septembers are typically slow in the restaurant business). I spent about 5 hours there and made only around $30 in tips. My last hour I only made $5. This was my second slow night, and I was feeling a bit discouraged and sorry for myself.
I thought, is this all I’m worth now? $5 an hour? Then Wayne told me, you’re worth 5 billion. That made me feel better (he usually can make me feel better).
But it got me to remembering. I am really notdefined by my job. In my life, I have graduated from Purdue University with a BS in Electrical Engineering. I held all types of jobs as an electrical engineer (design, maintance – I even worked shift work). I got fired from an engineering job, and tried to start a business selling phone cards and failed. I learned Oracle to break into the computer field and did that for several years as a consultant and an Oracle Database Administrator. I got burned out and did a couple of home businesses. Now here I am finally pursuing what I’ve always wanted to do (but thought I had to be “practical” and writing.
Now my point with all this is, I would have been in trouble if I thought I was defined by my job. My various accomplishments and careers and trials have all taught me something. I’ve enjoyed them each and had great experiences. I had to try those things to find what I really wanted to do.
It is kind of like my transition. It took me going through the struggles of my first 32 years to realize, hey, I am who I am. I can’t resent everybody else if I’m not willing to do this for myself, and it’s my life and nobody else’s, so I am going to be me and start my transition.
I also had to go through all those career moves to come back to what I originally loved to do even as a kid – write and be creative and make people happy with my work (hopefully).
Throughout all those jobs, I was still the essential me – the essential Jen. Even when I was still living as a man as “David”, I was still “the essential me”. I was not defined by my body at that point. I looked male on the outside. Inside, I still felt female.
It’s my spirit that was really who I was, and that spirit was female, and a writer, and feminine and so many other things – some of which were visible, some of which I just held inside.
It kind of goes back to what I always say – don’t let yourself be strictly defined by your transgenderism. Yes it is part of who you are, and it is a wonderful thing. During the beginnings of your transition it can consume a lot of your thinking and time as you get started, but it still is not all you are. You have dreams, talents, roles (parent, child, sibling, friend, boss, etc), loves, etc. Most of all, you have your essential essence that is uniquely you – your personality, dreams, goals, thoughts,etc.
Many things about us can change. Our opinions on issues, our jobs, our names, our hobbies, our thoughts, our roles (e.g. from child to parent). These are all wonderful qualities we have, but just remember, no one of them defines you – including your gender. You are a wonderfully complex human being with your own personality, goals, dreams, thoughts, and contributions to the world. Appreciate all of yourself!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! Free excerpt included on the web site.
I was working my part time job serving in a restaurant tonight, and it brought something up I've learned in life that has helped me, and hopefully can help you too.
As I said, I am serving (waitressing) in a restaurant to get some extra money right now. I have never had a serving job, so it has been a real learning experience, and fun too - for the most part.
Sometimes, though, you get people who don't tip much. Tonight was a slow night (Septembers are typically slow in the restaurant business). I spent about 5 hours there and made only around $30 in tips. My last hour I only made $5. This was my second slow night, and I was feeling a bit discouraged and sorry for myself.
I thought, is this all I’m worth now? $5 an hour? Then Wayne told me, you’re worth 5 billion. That made me feel better (he usually can make me feel better).
But it got me to remembering. I am really notdefined by my job. In my life, I have graduated from Purdue University with a BS in Electrical Engineering. I held all types of jobs as an electrical engineer (design, maintance – I even worked shift work). I got fired from an engineering job, and tried to start a business selling phone cards and failed. I learned Oracle to break into the computer field and did that for several years as a consultant and an Oracle Database Administrator. I got burned out and did a couple of home businesses. Now here I am finally pursuing what I’ve always wanted to do (but thought I had to be “practical” and writing.
Now my point with all this is, I would have been in trouble if I thought I was defined by my job. My various accomplishments and careers and trials have all taught me something. I’ve enjoyed them each and had great experiences. I had to try those things to find what I really wanted to do.
It is kind of like my transition. It took me going through the struggles of my first 32 years to realize, hey, I am who I am. I can’t resent everybody else if I’m not willing to do this for myself, and it’s my life and nobody else’s, so I am going to be me and start my transition.
I also had to go through all those career moves to come back to what I originally loved to do even as a kid – write and be creative and make people happy with my work (hopefully).
Throughout all those jobs, I was still the essential me – the essential Jen. Even when I was still living as a man as “David”, I was still “the essential me”. I was not defined by my body at that point. I looked male on the outside. Inside, I still felt female.
It’s my spirit that was really who I was, and that spirit was female, and a writer, and feminine and so many other things – some of which were visible, some of which I just held inside.
It kind of goes back to what I always say – don’t let yourself be strictly defined by your transgenderism. Yes it is part of who you are, and it is a wonderful thing. During the beginnings of your transition it can consume a lot of your thinking and time as you get started, but it still is not all you are. You have dreams, talents, roles (parent, child, sibling, friend, boss, etc), loves, etc. Most of all, you have your essential essence that is uniquely you – your personality, dreams, goals, thoughts,etc.
Many things about us can change. Our opinions on issues, our jobs, our names, our hobbies, our thoughts, our roles (e.g. from child to parent). These are all wonderful qualities we have, but just remember, no one of them defines you – including your gender. You are a wonderfully complex human being with your own personality, goals, dreams, thoughts, and contributions to the world. Appreciate all of yourself!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! Free excerpt included on the web site.
Don't be Defined by your "Transgenderism" (or Any Other one thing)
The Transgender Companion, A Practical, Step by Step Guide and Companion for your Transition, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I was working my part time job serving in a restaurant tonight, and it brought something up I've learned in life that has helped me, and hopefully can help you too.
As I said, I am serving (waitressing) in a restaurant to get some extra money right now. I have never had a serving job, so it has been a real learning experience, and fun too - for the most part.
Sometimes, though, you get people who don't tip much. Tonight was a slow night (Septembers are typically slow in the restaurant business). I spent about 5 hours there and made only around $30 in tips. My last hour I only made $5. This was my second slow night, and I was feeling a bit discouraged and sorry for myself.
I thought, is this all I’m worth now? $5 an hour? Then Wayne told me, you’re worth 5 billion. That made me feel better (he usually can make me feel better).
But it got me to remembering. I am really notdefined by my job. In my life, I have graduated from Purdue University with a BS in Electrical Engineering. I held all types of jobs as an electrical engineer (design, maintance – I even worked shift work). I got fired from an engineering job, and tried to start a business selling phone cards and failed. I learned Oracle to break into the computer field and did that for several years as a consultant and an Oracle Database Administrator. I got burned out and did a couple of home businesses. Now here I am finally pursuing what I’ve always wanted to do (but thought I had to be “practical” and writing.
Now my point with all this is, I would have been in trouble if I thought I was defined by my job. My various accomplishments and careers and trials have all taught me something. I’ve enjoyed them each and had great experiences. I had to try those things to find what I really wanted to do.
It is kind of like my transition. It took me going through the struggles of my first 32 years to realize, hey, I am who I am. I can’t resent everybody else if I’m not willing to do this for myself, and it’s my life and nobody else’s, so I am going to be me and start my transition.
I also had to go through all those career moves to come back to what I originally loved to do even as a kid – write and be creative and make people happy with my work (hopefully).
Throughout all those jobs, I was still the essential me – the essential Jen. Even when I was still living as a man as “David”, I was still “the essential me”. I was not defined by my body at that point. I looked male on the outside. Inside, I still felt female.
It’s my spirit that was really who I was, and that spirit was female, and a writer, and feminine and so many other things – some of which were visible, some of which I just held inside.
It kind of goes back to what I always say – don’t let yourself be strictly defined by your transgenderism. Yes it is part of who you are, and it is a wonderful thing. During the beginnings of your transition it can consume a lot of your thinking and time as you get started, but it still is not all you are. You have dreams, talents, roles (parent, child, sibling, friend, boss, etc), loves, etc. Most of all, you have your essential essence that is uniquely you – your personality, dreams, goals, thoughts,etc.
Many things about us can change. Our opinions on issues, our jobs, our names, our hobbies, our thoughts, our roles (e.g. from child to parent). These are all wonderful qualities we have, but just remember, no one of them defines you – including your gender. You are a wonderfully complex human being with your own personality, goals, dreams, thoughts, and contributions to the world. Appreciate all of yourself!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! Free excerpt included on the web site.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Have a Balanced Perspective on Passability
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Passability is an issue I think most transgendered women worry about. For those who are not sure what "passability" means (I realize not everybody is familiar with transgender "lingo"!), I will give a brief definition. Passability means that by your looks, voice, and the way you act (mainly by your looks though) that you are able to "pass" as a woman in public. In other words, people do not realize that you are a transgendered woman (whether you are a cd, tv, ts, intersexed, or whatever you identify as).
I think it is important to keep the passability issue in balance. Yes, we all want to look, sound and act as passable as possible because it does make life easier. People don't know, so we are less likely to encounter prejudice or criticism. Plus, it does feel good to look passable and be seen as the woman you are.
However, I think it is also important to not become so obsessed with passability that we let it rule our lives. Passability is not everything. Be happy with yourself too - just as you are.
Passability may not be a concern of yours. You just want to express your female side or have fun or just do not care about being passable. That is ok! Passability does not legitimize you. If you are not passable or not completely passable, it does not "illegitimize" you as a woman. You have just as much a right to be who you are as a very passable woman.
Also, no matter how passable you are, there is always going to be somebody at one time or the other who can tell. It is just the way it is. It may happen very rarely. However, some people just know how to tell. More than likely, they have encountered or have a transsexual in their life, and that is why they can tell. More than likely they are supportive. In any case, you do not want to be ashamed of who you are. You are a special person! Be proud of being transgendered (in whatever category you fall in). If they know, they know! You are transgendered. Why be ashamed of it! That does not illegitimize you either.
The drive for being passable can also lead you on a never-ending quest for self acceptance. This can lead to overdoing plastic surgery, for example, trying to "make" yourself appear completely passable. Plastic surgery is not bad. If something really bothers you and you can do something, go for it. Just do not go overboard. In many cases, girls are constantly trying to become a perfect Barbie doll and are constantly seeking the next plastic surgery to become more passable and beautiful. In the process, they lose themselves and their individuality. Who said Barbie was the only beautiful woman?
You are MUCH more than your looks. YOu are a beautiful person inside too, with your own unique personality and dreams and talents. Let that out! Don't lose your individuality. Look to enhance your looks more than replace them (with a completely new face, body, etc).
So have a balanced perspective on passability. Appreciate your uniqueness. Be proud of who you are. Passability is a wonderful trait to have, but it is not everything. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be passable or beautiful or enhance your looks. I myself like to look pretty too!
However, first and foremost, be happy with yourself just as you are and appreciate who you are as a wonderful human being and woman. That is what will bring you true happiness. Not looking like the perfect plastic Barbie doll.
There was a wonderful quote by John Mason I read one day that I will share now:
"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."
Don't forget that! You're great.
Jennifer :-)
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Passability is an issue I think most transgendered women worry about. For those who are not sure what "passability" means (I realize not everybody is familiar with transgender "lingo"!), I will give a brief definition. Passability means that by your looks, voice, and the way you act (mainly by your looks though) that you are able to "pass" as a woman in public. In other words, people do not realize that you are a transgendered woman (whether you are a cd, tv, ts, intersexed, or whatever you identify as).
I think it is important to keep the passability issue in balance. Yes, we all want to look, sound and act as passable as possible because it does make life easier. People don't know, so we are less likely to encounter prejudice or criticism. Plus, it does feel good to look passable and be seen as the woman you are.
However, I think it is also important to not become so obsessed with passability that we let it rule our lives. Passability is not everything. Be happy with yourself too - just as you are.
Passability may not be a concern of yours. You just want to express your female side or have fun or just do not care about being passable. That is ok! Passability does not legitimize you. If you are not passable or not completely passable, it does not "illegitimize" you as a woman. You have just as much a right to be who you are as a very passable woman.
Also, no matter how passable you are, there is always going to be somebody at one time or the other who can tell. It is just the way it is. It may happen very rarely. However, some people just know how to tell. More than likely, they have encountered or have a transsexual in their life, and that is why they can tell. More than likely they are supportive. In any case, you do not want to be ashamed of who you are. You are a special person! Be proud of being transgendered (in whatever category you fall in). If they know, they know! You are transgendered. Why be ashamed of it! That does not illegitimize you either.
The drive for being passable can also lead you on a never-ending quest for self acceptance. This can lead to overdoing plastic surgery, for example, trying to "make" yourself appear completely passable. Plastic surgery is not bad. If something really bothers you and you can do something, go for it. Just do not go overboard. In many cases, girls are constantly trying to become a perfect Barbie doll and are constantly seeking the next plastic surgery to become more passable and beautiful. In the process, they lose themselves and their individuality. Who said Barbie was the only beautiful woman?
You are MUCH more than your looks. YOu are a beautiful person inside too, with your own unique personality and dreams and talents. Let that out! Don't lose your individuality. Look to enhance your looks more than replace them (with a completely new face, body, etc).
So have a balanced perspective on passability. Appreciate your uniqueness. Be proud of who you are. Passability is a wonderful trait to have, but it is not everything. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be passable or beautiful or enhance your looks. I myself like to look pretty too!
However, first and foremost, be happy with yourself just as you are and appreciate who you are as a wonderful human being and woman. That is what will bring you true happiness. Not looking like the perfect plastic Barbie doll.
There was a wonderful quote by John Mason I read one day that I will share now:
"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."
Don't forget that! You're great.
Jennifer :-)
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Perfect Support and Friend of a Pet
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com/
Today I just wanted to talk a little bit about pets and what a great support then can be. I realize not everybody is an animal lover, but mine have been a real support to me over the years. My pets have been my family for most of my adult life, as I've gone through moving to Georgia, losing both my parents, transitioning, being fired from a job (pre-transition), moving to where I am now, and more. My pets have been there for me.
One of the nice things about pets is that they love you no matter what. Sometimes we as budding transgendered women (whether that be a crossdresser, transvestite, feminine man, intersexed, transsexual woman, or whatever we identify as) can feel rather unloved at times or alone. We face some rejection. We sometimes have to step away from our families or friends. People many times do judge us by our outer appearances (but not all people. There are many who appreciate who we are inside too!).
Animals just love us for us though. I think they see our spirit inside. And they love us no matter what.
Dogs especially seem to know when we are down and need some love. Both the dogs I've had in my life (Beau, my Golden Retrieve, and then Emma, my Rottweiller, who is my current dog), both have had gentle loving natures. If I cried or was upset, they seemed to intuitively know and would cuddle up or put their heads in my lap, seeming to say with their eyes, "Don't be sad. I love you. How can I make you feel better?". And my cat Tigger is a real cuddle buns. There is something very soothing about petting a purring cat.
My dog, Emma (the Rottweiller) watched me through my whole transition. I got her when I was still living as a man, before I even made up my mind to transition. She saw me put on makeup the first time and a wig, and didn't blink an eye. She still wanted to be close to me. She watched me through my whole transition. She saw me live part time, then full time. She saw me after i got breasts. She was there waiting for me when I got home from the hospital after having blood clots from hormones. She's seen me bald, without makeup, dressed and undressed, and always treats me the same - with total unconditional love. She's always loved me, no matter how I look. My cat Tigger is the same way.
So if you are transitioning, get yourself a dog or cat if you can. They'll be a wonderful source of support and unconditional love to you, and we all need that!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com/ and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Monday, September 24, 2007
A Little Known Simple Change that can Help you Lose some Weight
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
It is a windy day here in the Chicago area today. Imagine that? Windy in the Windy city!!!!!! I read once that we actually got that title from NYC during the Chicago World's fair in the late 1800's because our politicians were so "windy" in the vying for the World Fair. Either way. It is pretty windy in Chicago!
I've actually been lost a little weight over the last couple of months. I did it in a very simple way, actually, and that was by increasing my fiber I was eating. I have been eating Kashi cereal for dinner lately. I get home from my temporary second job kidn of late, so I just want a little something to eat, and Kashi is quick and easy and fills me up. So if you are looking to lose some weight, up your fiber intake. Whole grains are excellent sources of fiber (although there is not much else nutritionally in them). Whole wheat breads (check the fiber content on the side), whole grain cereals (Kashi is excellent and pretty tasty). Berries (strawberries, blueberries, rasberries and blackberries) are all very very high in fiber, plus lots of antioxidants. Foods like this are also lower in calories, so you can fill up and get healthy nutrition.
Fiber also really helps with bloating, which is a problem for me. I swear you'd think I'm pregnant some mornings. I blow up like a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade for some reason. So if bloating is a problem for you, up your fiber and it will help a bit. You're actually supposed to eat 25-30 g of fiber a day, which is a lot! But you can do it with whole grains, berries and fiber supplements, and even some meal replacement shakes. It also might help you lose some weight as it will fill you up so you eat less, plus push out a lot of waste in your digestive tract.
Hope this helps a bit!
Jennifer :-)
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Don't Worry about Being Perfect
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Today I’d like to talk about not worrying about being perfect. I think most of us are closet perfectionists inside, at least in some areas of our life, and I am certainly not immune to that.
As transsexuals, it seems sometimes we are held up to much higher standards. People sometimes judge us by our looks or how we act or how our voice sounds, so we tend to feel a lot of pressure to look perfect or act perfect or sound perfect. This can be a tough way to live, though, as we can never be “perfect”, at least in society’s terms. Besides, who determines what perfect is? Everybody has a different definition!
I’ll tell you a secret. You are perfect just as you are. You are the only YOU on this planet. We’re not put here to be perfect. We’re put here to enjoy our lives and learn and grow and experience life!
Perfectionists and overly critical people tend to miss out on a lot of life. They don’t try new things or “spread their wings” because they are afraid of making a mistake or failing or being “less than perfect”. That’s a really stunted way to live. You miss out on a lot! It also must be a very painful way to live, because the really critical people must live in constant fear of being less than perfect and opening themselves up to the criticism they give out.
So anyway, you just be you. Do not worry about being perfect or making a mistake.
I have made my share of mistakes in my life, believe me. But they’ve always enriched my life in the end. I’ve learned things.
Now, just so you know, I am not little Miss Perfect in living up to my words here. I can be self critical at times and beat myself up when I’m less than perfect. I realize, however, at this point in my life that I don’t have to be perfect. I also realize that this tendency is just a result of how I was raised. So I tend to go with the flow more than I used to. But I still have lapses and beat myself up when I do something wrong or don’t know how to do something.
However, this is what I have learned to do. First off, I remind myself that I’m only human and everybody makes mistakes. If it’s a big mistake or I don’t know what to do or I am just really stressed, I just say “Everything will be O.K.” Remember that phrase – “Everything will be O.K.”. Say it really slowly and calmly. Seriously. I don’t know what it is, but that phrase can calm you down and even make you laugh in a minute. Words are powerful!
Let me give you a little example. I just took a part time serving job at Chili’s to get some extra cash to help me market my web site (and get some extra help with the bills). Now, I have worked most of my life in Corporate America, so this is obviously something new for me and I have a lot to learn. I love to go out to eat, though, so it’s a good fit for some part time work.
I’d like to say first off, that I have newfound respect for waiters and waitresses (not that I didn’t before) seeing all you have to keep track of and do that customers may not realize.
Anyway, I am learning a lot. Meeting a lot of different kinds of people, which is very cool. I love to observe people, anyway, so it is a good job for that.
Getting back to my story though. I am learning, so I am bound to make mistakes, right? I know this in my head. However, when I actually make a mistake, I still self criticize. I’m harder on myself than anybody else, and yet not that way with other people. I don’t know why. I think we’re raised to be hard on ourselves or something.
Anyway, on my first night serving on my own after training, I mixed up one of the dishes on two table (in other words, I switched their orders). I discovered this about 10 minutes after I delivered the food. I’m new, so I thought, oh boy. I’m fired now. Well, the manager was as nice as she could be, and very understanding. They gave the meals for free. The customers were super nice and understanding. I even got great tips from both tables. But I am still beating myself up!
I’m thinking: “How could I be that dumb. I’ll never get this. I’m a horrible server. Maybe I’m not meant for this. Maybe I suck. What if I’d dropped that tray on a baby (I got flustered bringing the right food to the table and almost did drop my tray). “ I did a real number on myself.
Then I realized, what about the other 98% of the tables I did just fine? Why not focus on those! I’m new. I’m going to make mistakes. I learned. I won’t do that again, and if I do, nobody is going to DIE. I am not going to DIE. Imagine that! Nobody’s going to die!
Sometimes it is good to just joke a bit with yourself. And I am ok for feeling bad. I’m not going to be a perfectionist about my feelings either. I feel what I feel, and that is ok. If I feel bad, that’s ok, too, but I won’t beat up on myself.
Then I went in the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “You are a GREAT server, Jen. All your customers love you. You are doing a great job.” And that was that. It’s good to talk positively to yourself in the mirror, by the way. We tend to only say negative things in the mirror (you look awful, your hair is terrible, etc). Try that trick too sometime. It works!
So ease up on yourself. You don’t have to look or be perfect. You just have to be you. If other people are criticizing you, just realize that is their issue and their definition of “perfect” and how you and things should be. And don’t be afraid to step out and try something new (like transitioning). You don’t want to miss out on all you can have in life!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Today I’d like to talk about not worrying about being perfect. I think most of us are closet perfectionists inside, at least in some areas of our life, and I am certainly not immune to that.
As transsexuals, it seems sometimes we are held up to much higher standards. People sometimes judge us by our looks or how we act or how our voice sounds, so we tend to feel a lot of pressure to look perfect or act perfect or sound perfect. This can be a tough way to live, though, as we can never be “perfect”, at least in society’s terms. Besides, who determines what perfect is? Everybody has a different definition!
I’ll tell you a secret. You are perfect just as you are. You are the only YOU on this planet. We’re not put here to be perfect. We’re put here to enjoy our lives and learn and grow and experience life!
Perfectionists and overly critical people tend to miss out on a lot of life. They don’t try new things or “spread their wings” because they are afraid of making a mistake or failing or being “less than perfect”. That’s a really stunted way to live. You miss out on a lot! It also must be a very painful way to live, because the really critical people must live in constant fear of being less than perfect and opening themselves up to the criticism they give out.
So anyway, you just be you. Do not worry about being perfect or making a mistake.
I have made my share of mistakes in my life, believe me. But they’ve always enriched my life in the end. I’ve learned things.
Now, just so you know, I am not little Miss Perfect in living up to my words here. I can be self critical at times and beat myself up when I’m less than perfect. I realize, however, at this point in my life that I don’t have to be perfect. I also realize that this tendency is just a result of how I was raised. So I tend to go with the flow more than I used to. But I still have lapses and beat myself up when I do something wrong or don’t know how to do something.
However, this is what I have learned to do. First off, I remind myself that I’m only human and everybody makes mistakes. If it’s a big mistake or I don’t know what to do or I am just really stressed, I just say “Everything will be O.K.” Remember that phrase – “Everything will be O.K.”. Say it really slowly and calmly. Seriously. I don’t know what it is, but that phrase can calm you down and even make you laugh in a minute. Words are powerful!
Let me give you a little example. I just took a part time serving job at Chili’s to get some extra cash to help me market my web site (and get some extra help with the bills). Now, I have worked most of my life in Corporate America, so this is obviously something new for me and I have a lot to learn. I love to go out to eat, though, so it’s a good fit for some part time work.
I’d like to say first off, that I have newfound respect for waiters and waitresses (not that I didn’t before) seeing all you have to keep track of and do that customers may not realize.
Anyway, I am learning a lot. Meeting a lot of different kinds of people, which is very cool. I love to observe people, anyway, so it is a good job for that.
Getting back to my story though. I am learning, so I am bound to make mistakes, right? I know this in my head. However, when I actually make a mistake, I still self criticize. I’m harder on myself than anybody else, and yet not that way with other people. I don’t know why. I think we’re raised to be hard on ourselves or something.
Anyway, on my first night serving on my own after training, I mixed up one of the dishes on two table (in other words, I switched their orders). I discovered this about 10 minutes after I delivered the food. I’m new, so I thought, oh boy. I’m fired now. Well, the manager was as nice as she could be, and very understanding. They gave the meals for free. The customers were super nice and understanding. I even got great tips from both tables. But I am still beating myself up!
I’m thinking: “How could I be that dumb. I’ll never get this. I’m a horrible server. Maybe I’m not meant for this. Maybe I suck. What if I’d dropped that tray on a baby (I got flustered bringing the right food to the table and almost did drop my tray). “ I did a real number on myself.
Then I realized, what about the other 98% of the tables I did just fine? Why not focus on those! I’m new. I’m going to make mistakes. I learned. I won’t do that again, and if I do, nobody is going to DIE. I am not going to DIE. Imagine that! Nobody’s going to die!
Sometimes it is good to just joke a bit with yourself. And I am ok for feeling bad. I’m not going to be a perfectionist about my feelings either. I feel what I feel, and that is ok. If I feel bad, that’s ok, too, but I won’t beat up on myself.
Then I went in the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and said, “You are a GREAT server, Jen. All your customers love you. You are doing a great job.” And that was that. It’s good to talk positively to yourself in the mirror, by the way. We tend to only say negative things in the mirror (you look awful, your hair is terrible, etc). Try that trick too sometime. It works!
So ease up on yourself. You don’t have to look or be perfect. You just have to be you. If other people are criticizing you, just realize that is their issue and their definition of “perfect” and how you and things should be. And don’t be afraid to step out and try something new (like transitioning). You don’t want to miss out on all you can have in life!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Focus on what you Like about Yourself
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
I was fixing my hair this morning, and I got to thinking about how we all have things we like about ourselves, and things we don't like about ourselves. We also tend to focus on the things we do NOT like about ourselves, more than the things we do. I think it is key to switch this so that we focus more on what we LIKE.
My hair has always been my own personal "challenge". When I was a little kid, I had horrible dandruff. So I got the nickname of "Dan" in 7th grade. I got that cleared up as puberty was hitting and then my hair started to curl. I had very thick, wavy hair. In fact, it was so thick, it would barely move in the wind. Kids called me "Brillo head". I really hated my hair. I hated how curly and frizzy it was. I wanted straight hair so bad.
Well I guess I hurt my hair's feelings because my second semester of my senior year of high school, it started to thin. It didn't seem quite fair that I would lose my hair while still having a face full of pimples!
Throughout college I kept losing my hair. This was very distressing to me. First off, people have no problem making fun of your thinning head of hair, not realizing how traumatic it can be! There is so much pride in having a full head of hair in our society, and I was not immune to this, even if I did hate how curly my hair was, I still wanted to keep it!
Then at 22 I moved to Georgia for my first post-college job and I decided since I had some money I was going to do something about it and I got a hairpiece. You can imagine the grief I got at work with a group of about 20 engineers, 98% of them male and not a one over 23. Ugh. So I hated that.
Over the years, the hairpieces morphed into what they call "hair systems' now. I do like the way my hair looks now, and I do take comfort in realizing that my hair never would have been this long or thick if I'd grown out my own hair (provided I had kept it).
However, I still find myself envying at times people with full heads of hair. And griping what a pain it is to put my hair on! I still feel self conscious about my hair at times seeing how women can fix their hair, and my options are limited with what I have.
And yet, guess what I get some of the most compliments on? My hair. Usually on days when I hate it!
Bad hair days are the worst. It just makes me crabby the whole day! Ok, maybe not that bad, but I do feel better when my hair looks nicer, I admit.
Getting back to my original point though, even I tend to focus on my negatives (my hair, that pimple on my chin, etc) rather than all the things I was blessed with. We all tend to do this.
What I try to do is, when I find myself obsessing over my hair or something else I don't like, I look in the mirror and say, you look great, Jen. Your skin looks beautiful. You have a beautiful set of teeth. You have a nice face. You have nice legs Whatever it is. Because there are certain things i do not have to struggle with that other people do, and visa versa! Some people have bad teeth. I have hardly ever had to worry about them my whole life (other than braces when I was a kid), and I tend to take them for granted. The person constantly getting cavities and who can't get their teeth white probably envies my teeth, while I probably envy their full head of hair! Hopefully you see my point. We all have strengths and we all have "challenges".
So when you catch yourself envying someone else's hair, or skin, or face or whatever it is you wish you had, realize that they are dealing with their own insecurities too and comparing themselves to others.
Besides, looking perfect all the time is too much pressure! Nobody can look perfect all the time, so why make yourself miserable worrying about it!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
I was fixing my hair this morning, and I got to thinking about how we all have things we like about ourselves, and things we don't like about ourselves. We also tend to focus on the things we do NOT like about ourselves, more than the things we do. I think it is key to switch this so that we focus more on what we LIKE.
My hair has always been my own personal "challenge". When I was a little kid, I had horrible dandruff. So I got the nickname of "Dan" in 7th grade. I got that cleared up as puberty was hitting and then my hair started to curl. I had very thick, wavy hair. In fact, it was so thick, it would barely move in the wind. Kids called me "Brillo head". I really hated my hair. I hated how curly and frizzy it was. I wanted straight hair so bad.
Well I guess I hurt my hair's feelings because my second semester of my senior year of high school, it started to thin. It didn't seem quite fair that I would lose my hair while still having a face full of pimples!
Throughout college I kept losing my hair. This was very distressing to me. First off, people have no problem making fun of your thinning head of hair, not realizing how traumatic it can be! There is so much pride in having a full head of hair in our society, and I was not immune to this, even if I did hate how curly my hair was, I still wanted to keep it!
Then at 22 I moved to Georgia for my first post-college job and I decided since I had some money I was going to do something about it and I got a hairpiece. You can imagine the grief I got at work with a group of about 20 engineers, 98% of them male and not a one over 23. Ugh. So I hated that.
Over the years, the hairpieces morphed into what they call "hair systems' now. I do like the way my hair looks now, and I do take comfort in realizing that my hair never would have been this long or thick if I'd grown out my own hair (provided I had kept it).
However, I still find myself envying at times people with full heads of hair. And griping what a pain it is to put my hair on! I still feel self conscious about my hair at times seeing how women can fix their hair, and my options are limited with what I have.
And yet, guess what I get some of the most compliments on? My hair. Usually on days when I hate it!
Bad hair days are the worst. It just makes me crabby the whole day! Ok, maybe not that bad, but I do feel better when my hair looks nicer, I admit.
Getting back to my original point though, even I tend to focus on my negatives (my hair, that pimple on my chin, etc) rather than all the things I was blessed with. We all tend to do this.
What I try to do is, when I find myself obsessing over my hair or something else I don't like, I look in the mirror and say, you look great, Jen. Your skin looks beautiful. You have a beautiful set of teeth. You have a nice face. You have nice legs Whatever it is. Because there are certain things i do not have to struggle with that other people do, and visa versa! Some people have bad teeth. I have hardly ever had to worry about them my whole life (other than braces when I was a kid), and I tend to take them for granted. The person constantly getting cavities and who can't get their teeth white probably envies my teeth, while I probably envy their full head of hair! Hopefully you see my point. We all have strengths and we all have "challenges".
So when you catch yourself envying someone else's hair, or skin, or face or whatever it is you wish you had, realize that they are dealing with their own insecurities too and comparing themselves to others.
Besides, looking perfect all the time is too much pressure! Nobody can look perfect all the time, so why make yourself miserable worrying about it!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Moving to a New Place
The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS, http://www.tgcompanion.com
Hello! I'm Jennifer Seeley. I am a transgendered women living in the Chicago area and the author of "The Transgender Companion" - The Complete Guide to Transitioning for all TG women, from CD to TS.
In this blog I will try to include helpful tips for transitioning, my observations on the process, and also share some of my personal experiences living as a transgendered woman, both in my past and today.
I hope you find this blog fun and informative to read!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
Hello! I'm Jennifer Seeley. I am a transgendered women living in the Chicago area and the author of "The Transgender Companion" - The Complete Guide to Transitioning for all TG women, from CD to TS.
In this blog I will try to include helpful tips for transitioning, my observations on the process, and also share some of my personal experiences living as a transgendered woman, both in my past and today.
I hope you find this blog fun and informative to read!
For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to http://www.tgcompanion.com and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.
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