Friday, May 30, 2008


One thing I've noticed from my years in the transgendered community is that girls will spend hundreds, even thousands, of dollars on the "outside" without blinking an eye. They will buy expensive dresses and lingerie, makeup, wigs, shoes, anything that is "fun".

Unfortunately, when it comes to things to help them on the "inside" - such as therapy, personal development books, etc, they suddenly develop a very tight hand around their pocketbooks. I think this is one of the problems in our community. I don't deny anyone fun. We all need fun. it is fun to be pretty and dress up, etc.

However, if you're miserable inside, don't you want to find help with that? If you don't like the way society is treating you, don't you want to find a way to be more respected? Don't you want to find a way to develop the inner strength to not be bothered so much by that. Therapy and self help books and other resources such as these can help.

It kind of amazes me how girls I have talked to will balk at paying $20 for a book that could help them, while at the same time wearing one pair of shoes that probably cost 4 times that, not to mention their $40 Victoria's secret bra that only lasts temporarily.

Don't forget to work on your inside. Don't forget to seek help in loving yourself. Don't forget to seek out and buy things that can help you become who you want to be on the inside. Clothes and makeup are fun, but they don't buy you long lasting happiness. That has to come from within. Things such as books and therapy can help you with the latter. Treat yourself to that inner self help. That is a gift that will last a lifetime and not just for a night or a few months of wear.

You're a special person inside. Nurture that inner person and not just your body!

Monday, December 31, 2007

Christmas Memories

I hope that everyone is having a wonderful holiday. I apologize for not writing on here for awhile. Time can certainly fly. I was shocked to see I hadn't written since November!!!!!! It doesn't seem that long. But the holidays always do fly.

I go through a bit of a conflicted feeling every Christmas. Part of me enjoys them and part of me dreads them and is glad when they are over. I tend to feel vaguely depressed and let down. I think part of that is that society puts so much emphasis on Christmas as the be all, end all of happiness, we can't help but be let down a bit. But also, it is a family time and everybody is talking about getting together with family and I don't do that anymore.

My parents have passed away, and I don't get together with my siblings anymore, so that old Christmas "family" tradition has kind of passed away, although I don't really miss that either. But I think I can't help but feel a bit melancholy and let down at Christmas. Christmas was always such a happy time for me as a kid, so I guess I miss that - buying and getting presents (I used to start buying presents in July so that I could get everybody a gift on my allowance), the tree (I couldn't wait to put it up each year), the music (I'd sneak a Christmas album on in August when nobody was home). All the joys of a childhood Christmas. My parents weren't rich, and we didn't get the presents kids seem to get today, but we got wonderful presents always and Christmas was always fun.

I have really fond memories of getting up on Christmas morning and eating candy out of a sock we'd leave on the back of a couch for Santa. Setting the table with "A Merry Mancini Christmas" or the Morman Tabernacle Choir singing christmas carols on our old stereo while my MOm fixed dinner, smelling the yummy aroma. Then there was the time the family went over to my grandparents (I was probably about 7) on CHristmas morning, but I stayed home with mom while she cooked and our cat, Shannon, came tearing through the house (as cats do) and knocked over the Christmas tree. My Mom was ready to kill him, you can imagine!

Happy Holidays to all. Remember, no matter who you are or where you are now, you are special and a gift to to the world.

Jennifer :-)

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Protecting your Inner Dreams

The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS,

Over the years, especially the last few years, I have learned to be much more private with people I know – family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances. I do not like to tell them much about myself or my private life or what I am doing (e.g., marketing my first book). Now, I used to be very open and basically a big “blabber mouth”. If people asked me a private question, I would answer them, even if I thought it was none of their business. I really didn’t know how to set boundaries and simply not answer a question or answer it vaguely, because I felt “guilty” for some reason.

I also tended to tell people things about myself even when they didn’t ask. We all like to talk about ourselves to some extent. I am no exception! For example, when I started a new business project, I would excitedly tell people and get all their negative feedback. And no matter how positive I felt, it still affected me. It planted the SEED OF DOUBT. And I do feel that really hindered me in those projects. In fact, I failed at most of those projects, because I had this nagging doubt in myself or the project from then on.

So I learned to hold things to myself. The reason for this is, I have found that people are very judgemental. They have their own views, agendas, etc. They tend to want to impose those on you. What you are doing may be something they don’t like or makes them uncomfortable. What you are doing may move you away from them, and then they feel uncomfortable because they don’t’ have the courage to make a change themselves that they would like to do but are too afraid to. What you are doing may be different then what they (e.g. parents or siblings) dreamed of you doing.

As I have said before, though, YOU are the ONLY ONE who has to live your life. They do not. YOU DO. So you have to do what is right for you.

However, when you’re at a fragile state (mainly when you are doing something out of the ordinary or something you want to do but are fearful of doing since it is new or “not the norm”), you need to protect yourself. Until you build up your confidence in yourself and/or what you are doing, you really need to protect yourself. You have the right to do that. You have the right to avoid negative people or not tell them what you are doing.

If you are transgendered, this is applicable to your transition. Your transition will probably include finding yourself. Figuring out who you are and what you want to actually do. Transitioning will feel threatening to some people. It will make some people you know uncomfortable. Now, once you really know who you are and you feel good about yourself and know where you want to go, you can handle some of that. It may hurt a bit, and you may want to avoid those negative people, but it won’t shake your faith in yourself or what you are doing.

So until you get to that “assured” state, it’s ok to keep things to yourself.

Of course, we need people to talk to. Find a good therapist to talk to. Or an open support group that is supportive and does not impose their own agendas on you. Or if you have a very supportive, open friend you think you can trust, do that. Just limit who you are talking to when you are at your initial, “fragile” state.

Whoever you are and whatever you want to do is just fine. You are just fine. You were made unique for a reason and you are very special. Give yourself the time to realize that before you start to open up to people you know.

It’s ok to “hold things in” and get strong.

For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.

Monday, October 22, 2007

How People Address You

The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS,

In life, we have to many times teach people how to train us. If someone is abusing us or not treating us right, we may have to take a stand and tell them, treat me this way. As a transgendered woman, this takes on an added layer, as you will find that many people do not really understand who you are, and don't know how to treat you or address you.

They may call you "him" or "sir" and not realize even they are insulting you. They might be doing it on purpose to insult you, of course, but sometimes they aren't. They might think of you as a man in a dress. That may be ok for you, or that may not. IF it is not, you might have to say, I am a woman, not a man. Please treat me as such. Or if they call your Sir, say, "it's Maam", calmly, but firmly and then continue the conversation or move on.

This has been something I have struggled with quite a bit. People seem to like to make digs sometimes. I was working a few weeks ago, and this one coworker who doesn't seem to like me too much, kept calling me "he" very loudly, almost as if to make a point. Now there were a bunch of people around, so I just kind of turned red and blew it off. To me, I felt like I'd be calling more attention to it if I said something. But I felt hurt and kind of insulted. Looking back, I think I should have just taken a stand and firmly said, "it is she, thank you very much" and stood firm. That is a case of teaching someone I have to deal with on a daily basis (almost) how to treat me. The next time he does that I will. And also, I have found that he is being more nice to me now. Sometimes it just takes some time for people to get to know you as a person. They've never met a transsexual, and are perhaps a bit uncomfortable or unknowledgable at first, and you can do your own little "bit of good" by just being yourself and showing them another side of a transgendered person.

As a waitress, I deal with a lot of people. Most people call me maam and she, etc. But I do have a night sometimes where people seem to like to call me "Sir". And I think, do I LOOK like a Sir. I have even asked, and people have said, no, not at all. But this goes back to not worrying about passability to the point of extreme. It is extremely difficult to live completely in stealth as there are always people who can tell, no matter how passable you are or how much surgery you have had. Look at all the tgirls that have lived in stealth over the years, and then somebody finds out (see to read some of these stories). However, for the most part, nobody knows, which, to me, is living in stealth. You just don't want to feel bad if somebody does know or find out. Be proud of who you are.

Back to my original story. I have decided that as I am dealing with massive numbers of people as a server, maybe I can do a little "soft" education, by just politely saying "it is maam" and then continuing taking their order. That isn't rude to tell people that. If you mispronounce somebody's name, they certainly correct you. This is along the same lines.

However, if someone were to call me "sir" in a busy checkout lane, I might not bother correcting them as I will never see them again, and making an issue of it would just call attention to me in a busy checkout line.

Now, I am very rarely called "Sir" or "he" anymore, but it does happen sometimes. It is something that can bother me still, but I am learning to strike a happy balance between not letting it bother me, and also taking a stand to tell people how to address me. I think it is something we all as transgendered people have to deal with. As a crossdresser, you may not mind being called he, or even prefer it. Each person is different. Whatever you want to be called is just fine. Just let people know that is all. You have that right!!!!!

I hope this helps!!!!!

For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Suicide Help

Today I received an email from a friend telling me of a suicide of one of the woman in the support group she belongs too. It made me feel very sad. I know that there are many transgendered people that do have suicidal feelings at times. It is hard to be so different. To feel so uncomfortable in your own skin. To feel scared of losing your family and friends. Of being made fun of. Of sinning perhaps. Etc. The worst thing is, most transgendered people suffer alone. There is nobody to talk to. Many of us live with this for years. Nobody knows what is happening inside of us. It can be a lonely life for sure.

I want to maybe share some insights that might help you if you are feeling this way.

First off, just remember, you did not pick feeling the way you feel. Whether that is a man who likes to crossdress, a gay feminine male, or a full-fledged transsexual female who feels trapped in a man’s body and wants to transition. Or whatever else you may feel or be. You just “are”. Ok? You didn’t DO anything. You are not a “bad” person for just “being”.

Second, we cannot control everybody’s reactions. If people have a problem with you, you know what. It really isn’t your issue. It is theirs. I don’t mean that in a mean or unsympathetic way. It is just that if they react badly to you, it is really about their own priorities or wishes for you or issues in general that they have. But they do not have to actually LIVE your life. YOU DO. And you have the right to do that. In fact, you should.

Also just remember that people’s initial reactions are not always their ultimate reactions. People rejected me at first, and then came around to be very supportive. They just needed to understand me better. So just keep that in mind.

Also if people are mean to you or reject you, well then they are not very empowering people to you. You do not need them in your life then. You deserve to have accepting, loving people. These people have the right to their reactions, but you have the right to love yourself enough to remove yourself from their presence and find supportive people.

Third, we really are all made so unique and special. T he sad thing is, the world doesn’t get to see or experience the real “us” so many times because we suppress things. Think if Mozart hadn’t expressed his musical talent because his parents wanted him to be a farmer. What a loss to the world! What Think if Abraham Lincoln had become a banker instead of pursuing politics because that was easier. What if Oprah had decided that it was easier to be poor than break free and become one of the most influential women in America? How would the world be different?

The thing is, so many of us (ts or not), repress our true selves and desires. And I think that is a loss to the world. You are somebody VERY special, just because you are who you are. Don’t deny the world that! You just being yourself might give somebody else courage to be themselves. You might open up some minds just by being you.

You deserve to live your life. You are not doing this to hurt anybody. If people reject you, there will be multiple others who will support you, for everyone who rejects you. Believe that and it is true.

Just remember, there is always somebody to talk to. If you are feeling suicidal, CALL SOMEBODY. Please! You deserve to live. You are so special. Call a suicide hotline. Call your therapist if you have one. Call a sympathetic friend. Call a TG support group. “Laura’s Playground” is a web site with a chat room and support for TG suicidal people, along with many TG resources. Go to to learn more and get support that way if you need it.

If nothing else, just wait a day. Things can seem so bad, and if you wait a day or a month or a year, the problem can change and seem totally resolved or “not so bad”. Give yourself that time delay. Things can get better.

Perhaps you haven’t started doing anything yet (dressing, transitioning, exploring your sexual feelings, whatever it may be). Or perhaps you have. Just love yourself for who you are and what you are feeling. Allow yourself to explore it. If you just take a baby step, and then another, you will probably find it is not so scary after all, and in fact you may start to feel braver and more empowered!

I would also like to say, that a transition (whatever that is for you) can be a very FUN and ENJOYABLE process. It is not all heartache, unless you think it has to be that way. You get to be you. You get to do things you've always wanted to. Don't forget that! Focus on the positives, the fun stuff, the end goal, self acceptance, loving yourself, and finding great supportive friends (there are thousands and thousands out there!). Think of the FUN and the JOY of being you more than you do the troubles and the troubles will melt away or seem not so bad anymore. TRUST ME, this works!

Remember, you are a SPECIAL PERSON. You are a special gift to the world as you are. Don’t take that away from the world! YOU ARE GREAT!

Your TS sister,


National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

For help in finding yourself and learning how you can feel better about yourself and be the woman you want to be in a positive, healthy and happy way, buy "The Transgender Companion", available at

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Everybody Has Their Insecurities

The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS,

I got to thinking this morning that it we all tend to look at other people, especially people who are better looking or more successful or in a better relationship or whatever it is we want and they seem to have, and think they have it all together and we're inferior somehow.
However, I think we forget or perhaps do not realize that everybody, including those people, have their own insecurities and challenges.

I was a late bloomer. Consequently, I still think of myself as the ugly duckling many times. People compliment me and I still discount it in my head sometimes. I realize I look nice now, but I still have my days when I look in the mirror and I think "BLECH! I look so awful!". We all have our days we're down on ourselves - me included.

We all tend to be harder on ourselves and our looks than other people are. Just realize that. Nobody is micro-analyzing that small pimple on your face or that hair out of place like you are. In fact, most people aren't even noticing it! So just remind yourself o fthat if you ever find yourself being hard on yourself for your looks or comparing yourself to other people in that department.

Also realize that it is a lot of pressure to be perfect looking all the time. Those people must have to be constantly obsessed about maintaining their looks, and while we all like to look nice, there is more to life than that. Sometimes, it's nice to be average and not have that pressure. I bet a lot of perfect looking people are rather insecure about their looks and put a lot of pressure on themselves. No wonder there are people addicted to plastic surgery.

Just realize, we're not our looks. Everybody has their strengths and their qualities they're not as happy about. You're just perfect as you are. It all evens out. Successful people might not have the relationship they want. People in the right relationship might not like their career. People with great hair might not like their body. Etc. Do you see what I'm saying? Everybody is insecure about some things.

For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Sexuality Labels

The Transgender Companion, THE MUST HAVE guide for all TG women, from CD to TS,

Today I'd like to just touch a bit on sexuality and transgenderism.

Sexuality labels can be a confusing area for a lot of people, including tg women, admirers, and people outside the TG community. I want to be a woman. Does this make me gay? Or for male admirers. They may consider themselves gay or straight or bi or be very confused as to what their attraction means, sexuality wise.

First off, it is important to realize that gender identity is different from sexual orientation. This can get confusing I realize. Some cd's are very feminine gay men, but they have no desire to BECOME a woman. They enjoy dressing up and the sexual aspect, and that is just fine. These one would still classify as gay. (For the record, NO offense is meant by any terms here at all. Everybody is just fine. I am not trying to mislabel anybody. IN fact, I am trying to get across that labels are pretty tough to define as people have different meanings for lables, depending on their understand and experience.)

Then there are TS women who are transitioning or are already living as a woman. They may be attracted to men and consider themselves straight (since they identify as female). Or they may be attracted to women and/or TS woman and consider themselves "gay" (or a lesbian).

However, people looking in from the outside who do not understand what a transsexual is (and many don't, which is understandable), may still consider a ts gay as they consider her a "man". Then if they find out she is attracted to women, they may really get confused. They'll wonder, why is she transitioning? Is she gay or straight? Do you see how confusing this label thing can get?

This is a key point actually. One transitions in order to be one's true gender self, not to get dates or for sexual reasons. One's gender identity is separate from one's sexual orientation.
Then there is the question of people who are attracted to transsexuals. For example, a man may have always considered himself straight and then finds he is attracted to transgendered women - very much so. Does this make him gay, bi or straight? I say, maybe all. It all depends on your point of view. But I think the key for him is how does he view the TG woman he is with. Does he view her as a woman and treat her as such all the time? Then I would consider him straight. Does he consider her a combination of the "best of both worlds" and is perhaps mainly attracted to women, but also to very feminine men? I would consider him "bi". Does he consider a TG woman a very feminine gay male? Then I would consider him "gay". I think the key is what is going on in his head and how does he view the TG, as I said - as a woman, best of both worlds woman, or a man. Outside people may view him as "gay". Or straight. Once again, I think it gets down to how they view a TG (at least the specific person involved) - as a woman or a man (albeit a feminine one).

When it gets down to it, the label doesn't matter so much. You like what you like. It's not something you can really pick. Don't worry about the label. However you consider yourself (i.e. straight, bi or gay) is just fine. You have found the gender that attracts you (i.e. TS) so just enjoy that. You have the right to pursue that.

The same advice goes for all the TG women. Don't worry too much about your sexuality label. However you consider yourself is fine. And just remember that your gender identity is separate from your sexuality label, although they can go together or seem similar at times.

AS a little extra tip in regards to dating, don't worry TOO Much about what sexual orientation a man (or woman, if that is the case) calls him (or herself )who wants to date you. Instead, look at how he treats you. If he is treating you and viewing you as you want (e.g. as a woman at all times) , then that is all you want.

I hope this helps! Have a great day everybody!

Jennifer :-)

For more practical advice and step by step guidance on transitioning, go to and order “The Transgender Companion” today! FREE excerpt included on the web site.